Faith and shtuff

I am a Christian. I suppose. Maybe.
I do believe in a God. Sometimes. Usually when it's convenient or necessary.

Okay. That's a bit of bullshit. I find it difficult to believe. This could be related to the previous post on this blog, which centered on the idea that what you choose not to use, you lose. Maybe I'm not flexing my spirituality and faith muscle anymore. Maybe I'm not practicing reading my religious texts and praying. But I feel skeptical of the practices that are supposed to lead to a deeper life. It could be because I'm lazy. Very possible. This laziness tendency is a reality that I have started to face in my life and looked towards attempting to conquer. But I also have this mindset that reality should be reality whether or not I work at it. I'm not sure how this statement fits into the puzzle of this concept in my mind, but I know it does.

I believe strongly that we are socialized into patterns of behaviour, into beliefs, and even into our identities. The practices that humans have created to keep their beliefs fresh in their minds have been given to us by social forces and we, in a very Foucaultian sense, monitor ourselves and adjust our behaviours to side-step the consequences of social control. That is, we decide to behave in a way that involves aligning ourselves to the social norms so that we avoid the consequences of acting deviantly.

I think I was inspire to write about this today because I met someone and talked with them about their faith. And of all the people I have met, she embodied what I would want to look like as a Christian. She sees Christ in every homeless person she sees. She recognizes their beauty, resiliency, and humour and is in love with these qualities. I wish I could have such a heart of compassionate love. And she talked about self-examination. Which I feel, if there ever were some way back to faith, I have this nagging and annoying belief that it would come from within. Which is so infuriating, because it loops back into a cycle of socializing myself.

I feel so little progress when I talk about issues of faith and my ability to believe. I feel like a dog chasing it's tail. However the tail is invisible and the dog is not always sure that it's there, which is part of why it keeps slipping through its teeth. Because it's not actually sure. And that level of uncertainty makes the dog refrain from giving it's all to the chase.

I know that I arrived at no conclusion in this post. It feels disjointed even to me. But part of that, I suppose, is my own lack of solid, consistent worldview. I have no Christian lens through which to interpret every act in the world anymore. Instead I must figure things out for myself. It gets lonely when you don't believe in God. The world seems emptier. Sometimes it's freeing, but most of the time it makes me feel like I have less of a tie to the world, to the people around me, to the good of humanity, etc.

I don't know what else to say. I think I may be "coming out" as an Atheist. But not really. I don't know. I guess I am still on the fence.
Toodles. Confused for now.

This blog is a representation of my recognition that I need to not take things for granted. Specifically, I am referring to my health. It may well be that I have been inspired simply because on the time of year that this is— I am, of course, referring to the cultural tradition whereby we all take into consideration the possibilities of improving ourselves through the creation of resolutions— but I hope that I am inspired by more than that. I feel inspired by my soon-to-be husband's excitement in moving through the process to (hopefully) be allowed to participate in an honour's project in this coming year. I am inspired by his family and their sharpness of mind. I am inspired by my cousin's academic prowess. I am inspired by silly colloquial and cultural things including Vsauce (youtube search this for reference). And finally, I am inspired by my own recognition that I really can accomplish anything that I set my mind to. That I am capable-- but only so long as I still desire to grow as a human being.

And that, in essence is the genesis of this blog. I have felt recently, more than usual the unavoidable truth that I am going to age throughout this life. Furthermore, as I age, what I do not put into practice may become a struggle to regain as I age. I have become aware that I want to have the physical energy to play and keep up with my children. In that regards I joined a gym. I have also become aware that I want to have the mental capacity to keep up with scholars and academics that are far above me in their accomplishments. In order to do so, one practice that I am putting in place is that of toning and flexing my writing skills. In that sense, this blog is the writing equivalent to going to the gym. I cannot promise that this blog will not become abandoned, like many of it's predecessors. But I know that I am able. And I know that in order to become a more accomplished writer, I need to keep putting my thoughts into words. I need to learn how to capture my thoughts quickly and effortlessly, clearly and concisely. I want to be a person who learns something new every day. But more than that, I want to be a person who is conscious of my capacity to learn something new every day. And what better way to come to that conclusion than to document it?

As for content. I hope that this blog will contain a good variety of content. I find a great many things in this world fascinating at this stage of life and have yet to find a topic that I can settle on and feel like is home. Furthermore, my fiance Bryce has been a great motivator in terms of pushing me to explore more of the world and be curious about more of it. I have always loved questions and I hope that in allowing myself to be flexible on a great many topics, I may be able to fall in love with different areas that pose some of the mysteries of life. I also hope that I can stay true to who I am in the sense that I still am naive enough to believe that the world can be inspired to care for one another and become more and more kind and more compassionate. I hope that this blog reflects that. I hope, however, that unlike previous attempts to discuss these topics, I do not react completely emotionally without offering justification and deeper thought.

In the end, I hope that I create something beautiful here. I do not expect my thoughts to be beautiful in and of themselves, but I hope that this can be a sanctuary where I can pursue depth, meaning, and recognize the ability of human beings to add beauty to the world.

Signing out for now.
Stay beautiful world.